Hello everyone. First of all, I am sorry I have not been active on this page. Everything will make more sense soon enough. I am writing this from an airport bar during my layover, sipping on a glass of vino and finally feeling ready to write again. At the beginning of 2019, I really thought it was going to be my year. That this was the year that things start getting brighter and I can sail a little bit more smoothly again. I started feeling like I was finally figuring things out. Unfortunately in life, you can never have it totally figured out. This is something I have come to accept now.
February of 2019 changed me in a way that I never thought anything could possibly shift me. A literal nightmare happened when I lost someone who never showed me anything outside of love and deep care. The feelings of pain, grief, loss and regret haunt me every single day. As many of you who have dealt with something that impacted you negatively, sometimes you put certain things on back burners while you are trying to pick up your pieces really quickly. That is what I was hoping I would not do. But I did. I pushed writing to the side, I pushed my heavy fitness routines to the side and just was focusing on all these broken pieces in front of me.
You can sit on the ground and try to pick up as many pieces as you can, but if your spirit is not ready to move on – those pieces will keep crumbling at your fingertips.
And that was what was happening to me. So I went missing on my hobbies and passions. Writing has always been my outlet to feel good and my body decided it could not write anymore. I loved working out every single day but my spirit decided I needed to relax for a little while. Sometimes these changes can anger you, because they really frustrated me. I so badly wanted to join my trainer at the gym every single day. Every time I walked by someone writing I would get jealous and remind myself that I need to pick up that pen again. But I still did not. I could not. I was not ready because I did not know what the words that would come out of me were going to be like. When your heart is stinging, your words start changing. Your stories change. Everything is just constantly shifting.
I did not feel ready to write about my pain so I just opted out of picking up that pen again. Until now. I never thought I would ever say this, but I am sitting in the airport bar in the city my guardian angel fell in love with writing this. Although my stay here is only a layover, my heart feels heavy being in this city without them anywhere near. Things were not supposed to end up this way when I was planning out my future a year ago. Funny how life never goes the way you imagine it to be. You can sit there writing down your five year plan, including all these people you love. But the truth is, you never really know who is going to make it five years from now.
But I picked up the pen again.
Maybe in this case, I opened up my laptop to type my thoughts. Thoughts I thought would just never be shared. I opened up my blog again and it felt right. A thought that found its way into my head while I landed was that this special human would have not wanted me to give up my passions to grieve them. Instead, they would want me to pick up the pen and let my situation inspire me.
For those of you who have had a rough year, I hope you pick up your pen again, I hope you find a way to get inspired to be yourself again and in the process of your healing, I hope you know that it is okay to take the time you need before you do pick up your pen. Do not rush yourself just because everyone around you does not understand that every single person grieves differently.
I can not promise you that things will get better soon, but I can say they will.
Unfortunately, I can not reassure you that things are going to start looking better tomorrow or even in a month from now. I truly believe a part of me will always ache and feel empty at the thought of losing him. I hope someday the memories make me smile more than cry. Praying for that day to come soon but until it does, I promised myself I would continue living. Continue focusing on my career, putting time into my passions and also just focusing on me again. So I can not sit here and tell you when things will start to look brighter, but I can reassure you that they will…slowly. You will start to feel like you again and you will pick up your pen again too.
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