At sixteen, I was a confused teenager. I had no idea what I wanted to do and I was unhappy most of the time. Most of my days were spent wondering why I am in so much pain constantly. Both physically and mentally. My back problems were much worse at this age and I barely could breathe somedays from the pressure my spine put on my lungs. On top of this, my heart was completely broken. Not from a male. Not that kind of broken. But just completely shattered.
There were multiple reasons for my heartache and somedays were easier than others. But the bad days, oh they were really bad. Somedays I did not want to breathe anymore because it felt pointless. I wanted to just disappear because I was sure no one would care. A problem I had was I internalized all of this because I did not want to hurt anyone around me. I felt like I had this duty that I had to be this positive energy around others to help fix their problems. In doing this, I neglected my own feelings and the help I desperately needed. Instead I spent my days giving close friends advice, trying to fix their own problems and allowing their own problems to cloud my mind.
Sometimes when you allow others feelings to impact you – when they are sad, you also become sad.
The issue with this was that I was already sad. I was already breaking apart and eating myself. Adding someone else’s pain on top of my own was not healthy. I was in a black hole because I did not know how to deal with my own feelings. On top of that, I really did not know what to say to fix my loved ones problems. After all, I am not a registered psychologist/psychiatrist. I was just a sixteen year old girl that people came to for advice.
I have always been the one people find comfort in. It is something I pride myself in on even today. Unfortunately, there is evil in this terribly positive characteristic. There has to be a line that you draw where you just do not allow others problems to impact you mentally. There were people I could not fix at 16 and I broke apart every time I realized this. I wanted the secrets from God on how to fix everything for these individuals because I could not see them in pain any longer.
But I was in pain? Did they not notice?
I was screaming on the inside. I was staring at my loved ones with a smile but inside I had a tired soul. My eyes were unhappy and if they had just looked over my smile, they would have saw me screaming for help. I so badly wanted someone to go up to me and say “you are not okay but that is alright, I can help you.” But there was not anyone to lean on because I did not want anyone to know the pain I was in. Something I have always believed in was that you can not rely on others to fix your problems. A statement that clashes with my beliefs on others issues at the time.
You also can not fix other people’s problems.
This is something I wish someone screamed in my face at 16. I could not fix anyone’s problems unfortunately. I knew no one could fix mine but myself, yet I thought I could fix others. If I could just go back and tell myself this, I would have focused more on myself. This is something I struggle with today sometimes. Even though I remind myself everyday that I can not fix everything. I still have a natural thought in my head when my loved ones are in pain that I wish I could remove the pain from them. However, I quickly remind myself that I am not God and I do not have this power. They have to want to fix themselves.
Oh how I wish someone could go scream that at my 16 year old self. Up until I was 21, I thought I had to fix people. The toll this took on my brain was unhealthy. I was a mess. Every single damn day I was a disaster. Not only were my own problems fogging my mind, others problems were too. I felt paralyzed most days and I am SO happy I do not put this pressure on myself anymore. This has been one of the biggest growths for me. I can only wish it happened sooner but I am so thankful it even happened!!
Remind yourself to be there for others, but focus on yourself.
Take care of yourself. Do not eat at your mind because of others. Just focus on what is best for you and do that. At the end of the day, the only person you truly have forever is yourself so you have to take care of that person. Keep your mind and body healthy. Do not put the stress of others on yourself and do not allow another human to tear you down. You are better than that. You are stronger than that. Be your own person and worry about yourself. Always remember to be kind and to be there for others though that you love. Just remind yourself for your mental health, that you can not fix anything they cry about unfortunately.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!
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