Something that has always been difficult for me to talk about is my anxiety. I have anxiety talking about my anxiety. I constantly want to be a positive light in others lives and make others feel better…forgetting about myself. Being diagnosed with anxiety since I was much younger has been a rollercoaster. Therapy made me more anxious because my anxiety made me feel like I was bothering someone by talking about my feelings. A feeling I hope any of you do not feel.
It is really difficult to be filled with so many thoughts yet not let any of them out. Not even to a therapist. Someone who is there and is paid to speak to you about your problems. Yet you still feel like you are bothering someone. You feel ashamed of your darker thoughts. So you choose to not speak at all. It is paralyzing.
I have less bad days.
I have been working on my mental health for a decade now. Something I pride myself on is that I do have more good days than bad. Something unfortunate about having less bad days is most people start to think you are always okay. People start depending on you to brighten their days. I can not complain about brightening others day as it does make me feel better. But somedays I want to scream. However, I am so thankful for how much joy I have in my life right now. The people who are in it are magnificent. I really can not complain. This life I am living is one I definitely love right now.
But when it’s bad…
It just feels really bad. I am a lot more positive on bad days than I used to be. I constantly believe that I will be okay and get through things. This definitely keeps me a lot more motivated throughout the bad moments in life. However, I just feel like I can not put my thoughts into words. I do not want to bother anyone with my emotions. Especially ones that I can not describe perfectly. If something does not make sense to me, how will it make sense to anyone else? Fortunately, not everything is supposed to make sense. 🙂
Right now, I feel like my anxiety is consuming me. Social anxiety especially. Now people might find it crazy that someone as social as me experiences social anxiety. The thing about social anxiety is it does not mean you are not social. To me it means you have a desire to be social and try so hard to be that person. However, the demons in your head do not let you enjoy that time fully. Sometimes I zone out while I am out with a group of people. I just go quiet. Those are the moments I despise the most. That is the exact moment I just want to run away from everyone and crawl in a hole.
Everyone has those rough days.
The good thing about it is you are not alone. I am not alone. There are 7 billion people in the world. Each of these 7 billion, no matter how perfect some may seem to be, have bad days too. I wish everyone could just never have bad days. However, life ain’t always a breeze. Like Miley Cyrus said, “Life’s a climb but the view is great.” Yes, I just quoted a Miley Cyrus quote because she is a diva and I love her. Plus that quote is great!
I understand the importance of talking about it.
I do know how important it is to talk about your feelings instead of bottling them up. This is something I preach all the time. Bottling up your emotions is just a recipe for disaster. You will end up exploding plus it only does you more harm than good. Although you may feel like you are protecting your loved ones from the dark cloud above you, you are only hurting yourself. Hurting yourself hurts your loved ones at the end of the day.
Even though I understand all this, I still have a really hard time to just open up to friends. Some of my friends are amazing and when I speak to them they are awesome listeners. Others just do not get it. They question my feelings and make me feel small. So my natural reaction is to respond with “I am fine” and change the topic. Then I just go back to drowning in my storm. I do not blame these individuals though. Not everyone is going to get it. Not everyone experiences life in the way you do. They were engineered differently. That is okay. Instead of being upset with them, I am thankful they do not have the same thoughts I have. I do not wish it on anyone.
It is something I am working on.
I am determined to work on this issue of mine. The desire to talk about my problems is strong right now. Whether it will be with a therapist or a loved one. I am determined to just open up and talk about my thoughts. Something I definitely need to work on to grow as an individual. I can not always be okay and care free. In fact, although I am a free spirited, care free individual on most days…I care too much on others.
I hope my anxiety has never hurt anyone.
Something I worry is that my actions that stemmed from anxiety has resulted in me hurting someone I cared about. Sometimes I shut myself out and am a different person when my cloud is at its darkest above my head. I try to keep people out of it. The way I do that is just by removing myself and keeping quiet. Unfortunately, silence can hurt. I hope my silence at times where I felt paralyzed has never harmed anyone. If it did, I wish I could apologize to them. I hope they understood and knew it was not them. It was me all along. It always was just me. Only me.
Do you suffer from Anxiety or other Mental Health Disorders and feel like you can not open up?
I am not just saying this to be nice. Seriously, feel free to contact me. You may not know me but any of you can find a friend in me. You can contact me through my contact page by clicking here. You can also follow me on Instagram by clicking here and sending me a direct message through there.